I waited for you for a long time and when you finally came I couldn’t believe how lucky I am. The best thing about being an older mum is being more relaxed about who I am – having faith in my ability. I’m a better mum now than I was twenty years ago. But the worst is knowing how scary the world can be and that bad things sometimes happen no matter how careful you are. I’d watch you breathing – just to make sure – scared that something would spoil my happiness.
When you were a few days old I fell asleep while I was feeding you. When I awoke you were laying in my arms, lifeless. I couldn’t feel you breathe and you wouldn’t stir. I screamed & daddy woke up. He snatched you from my arms and you started to cry. Some babies, it seems, sleep so deeply that they do not move. This, I’m told is normal. It was weeks before I could sleep properly at night, with out having to check on you every half an hour. Now you are nearly four and most of the time I just look in on you before I go to bed. But some days I can’t fight it and I still have to stay with you until you stir – just to make sure.