Journaling reads:
I waited for you for a long time and when you finally came I couldn’t believe how lucky I am. The best thing about being an older mum is being more relaxed about who I am – having faith in my ability. I’m a better mum now than I was twenty years ago. But the worst is knowing how scary the world can be and that bad things sometimes happen no matter how careful you are. I’d watch you breathing – just to make sure – scared that something would spoil my happiness.
When you were a few days old I fell asleep while I was feeding you. When I awoke you were laying in my arms, lifeless. I couldn’t feel you breathe and you wouldn’t stir. I screamed & daddy woke up. He snatched you from my arms and you started to cry. Some babies, it seems, sleep so deeply that they do not move. This, I’m told is normal. It was weeks before I could sleep properly at night, with out having to check on you every half an hour. Now you are nearly four and most of the time I just look in on you before I go to bed. But some days I can’t fight it and I still have to stay with you until you stir – just to make sure.
5 comments:
SO scary! I used to be that way too - just waiting until I saw some movement or stirring and then I could relax. Now my kids are way old, but if it's too quite in the bathtub for too long, I still holler out "ya doin' OK?" LOL...and they're 10, 14 and 16.
I can totally relate! Have you ever seen the movie Terms of Endearment where Shirley McClain says there's something wrong with the baby and her husband says, she's quiet, there's nothing wrong and she says, that's what's wrong! So she goes in the baby's room and wakes her up and the baby starts screaming and then Shirley McClain says, that's better and then walks out of the room? ROFL That is so me! I drove my husband crazy with it, I can totally relate to this journaling!
You made my heart fall into my shoes for a second--have mercy! I know the feeling though and the anxiety. Super journaling!
So glad I am not the only one, I used to put my hand on my oldest's chest so hard and fast to make sure that he was breathing that I often woke him up. I started sleeping through when he was 4 - now he's 14!
Thanks for your honest journaling.
Beverly, your page is simply wonderful! Truly heartfelt journaling ... and something that she will cherish when she's old enough to understand. I think most mums feel that way at some time or other ... it's so true that bad things can happen ... I think that's why were more compassionate when they don't. And.... btw ... I just LOVE baby scrap pages!! Just look at her ... adorable...precious and adorable.
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