When thinking about the hand I have been dealt... I always get stuck on my children and the losses I have endured.
Questions that I have answered like... “how many children do you have?” – Three,
“how many children have you had?” –Four,
“how many pregnancies have you had?”- Five.
I struggle with my losses. I know that if the first baby had lived I wouldn’t have J and if Sarah had lived I wouldn’t have CJ or Rosie but there is a part of me – the mommy heart that wants to have all 5, to love them and to nurture them in the here and now.
I wouldn’t have chosen the rejection I have carried either. Discovering when I was 37 that my Father actually does love me but battles to show his affection for fear of being hurt himself.
Me, too wounded to be the adult in our relationship either. I find it weird that we know intrinsically what our experience should be like. I miss that his face doesn’t light up when he sees me, I miss that he doesn’t make me feel like his special girl.
These 2 things are the major issues that have moulded me to become who I am, the way I am. I have also learnt to look for reasons’ behind people’s behaviour. You can never know what someone else is going through by the glimpses you catch of them; you need to walk a mile in their shoes. But I have matured enough to realise I am not always responsible. Sometimes it is just the other person having a bad day and not something I have said or done. You may see all that I have and deduct that I am blessed. I am. I have a wonderful husband, three healthy children, four cats, our own home and a great car to drive around in. I am privileged to have Rumby to clean my house. A husband who wisely invests our money and who earns well.
I am blessed beyond measure to have a family that loves me and accepts me just as I am.
Would I have chosen these cards I have been dealt? Probably not. I would like a re-shuffle, a hand with more aces. However I am the clay and not the potter, as much as I would tell the Potter how to mould and shape, tweak here and improve there. I trust Him. I have to. He knows best, he can see the beginning from the end. He loves me more than I can ever understand. He has a plan and a purpose for me, for my husband and for my children.
So these cards, this hand I have been dealt is the perfect one for me, after all.