Title: How do I play this hand I was dealt?
Journaling: When I found out I was going to be a mother for the first time, I never imagined all of the complications that potentially come with it. Not that I don’t enjoy being a Mom or want to sound ungrateful for all I have been blessed with, because I very much do and am, but pregnancy was very hard on me the first time around. I was sick all of the time and I have very few good memories of my first pregnancy, other than the delivery. Then Ethan was so small when he was born and there was a lot of worry surrounding his birth weight in the last weeks of my pregnancy. How much would he weigh? Would it be enough for him to come home right away? Would he have to stay in the NICU? Would he have any other underlying issues due to the low birth weight? Once I held him for the first time & he was perfect & healthy, all of the stress washed away and I found out just how deeply one person could love another. He was perfect & all mine. But his bilirubin shot up pretty high and there were lots of needle pokes and worry about getting it down to an acceptable number. All the while, I wouldn’t have changed a moment of it if it meant that he would be any different.
When Cameron came along, it was like the opposite end of the field for me. His pregnancy was so easy and everything that I went through with Ethan was just a memory. Of course, where Ethan was the easy baby - usually pretty happy and quick to figure out - Cameron was difficult. He had colic, a lactose intolerance, reflux, and would spend hours on end crying. It was rough, but we made it through.
About six months after CJ was born, I was rushed to the hospital with intense abdominal pain and, after many tests, scans, and ultrasounds, I was taken in for surgery. What was supposed to be a simple laparoscopy turned into a full-blown, hip-to-hip surgery, complete with a morphine pump and a five-day hospital stay. I was short an ovary and a fallopian tube and left with fears of eventual recurrence of my diagnosis - endometriosis - and the possibility of a future hysterectomy.
Now, two years later, I still fear the inevitable. I’ve had another laparoscopy and have been told the alarm on my biological clock is about to go off. A hysterectomy could be near and a decision has to be made. Do we have another child? Or are we satisfied with the two beautiful boys that we are already grateful to have?
I’m still trying to decide how to play these cards and what to do with this hand. Do I have a full house? Or is there room for one more card in my deck? How much longer can I put off this decision? Does my husband’s cards match mine? Has God already made this decision for me?
I wish the answers to my questions were easy. I wish I could know now what His plan is for me and for my family. I wish He would reveal His hand so I could know whether to hold or fold.