Thursday, 28 January 2010

Helen's challenge 72 (b)


Title:- "More than I ever imagined" {which also serves as the last line of the journaling}. The cherries symbolise the saying {my} "Life is just a bowl of cherries" {meaning it's all good...} & the cupcake implies {everything that has happened since meeting DH has been...} "the icing on the cake" & the hearts are obviously a symbol of love & happiness. The King & Queen cards symbolise my husband as the king & me as his queen.

FFrom a young age I knew that things weren't as they should be. My way of coping was to visualise my life when I left, with the perfect family I would to create. A loving husband, two girls, two boys - I had my future all mapped out & I knew it would happen. I tried over the years to make my parents see that things weren't right but it was always such high drama that I learnt eventually to accept that I would never have what "everyone else" had - a mother & father that loved each other truly & nurtured their children, nor would I have the sibling camaraderie "everyone else" had along with it. I accepted that my brother had the problems he had due to our upbringing & that my sister had so many of her own issues & hang ups that it was not possible to have any relationship with her at all. I came to terms with the fact that not everyone has the picture perfect family & despite my parents still remaining married & me having three siblings, I would never have close relationships with any of them. It took a very long time & an ocean of heartache to get to the stage of acceptance that I am at now, where I know that this is how it will always be & there is nothing I can do in my earthly power to change it. And I feel fine...I really do. It's taken many years but I've accepted that not everything is "only up to me" & not everyone desires harmony. I know that there are other people "out there" who have had similar experiences & I praise God for giving me the strength of character to work through these issues on my own. I have succeeded in reprogramming my brain on almost every issue. I wasn't taught about what was important in life, I had to work that out for myself. Indeed it has been no mean feat but I have done it. I've overcome my feelings of worthlessness & have found refuge in the arms of a man who sees me for who I really am, for who I have always been. With him as my anchor I have become capable & independent & the reliable & steadfast person that I am. I credit him tremendously for his steadfastness & unconditional love toward me, for always seeing the good in me & accepting me. For trying to understanding me & for loving me for being & not doing. For looking beyond my rough edges & for seeing the heart of me. For always giving me the benefit of the doubt & nurturing me to realise my full potential. With my dearest friend by my side I am strong & unafraid. Today I have that perfect family I visualized for so many years - the one I always dreamed of...right down to the 2 boys & 2 girls.

Together we made that happen, to compensate for my loss. Of course things are not always the way I would like them & I have learnt that sometimes things go wrong despite one's best efforts & that I'm not responsible for everything my children do. At times they disappoint me, just as I disappoint them, but it's not for want of love but rather because we're all just human & sometimes we lose our way a little. As they are growing up & I am having to step back & let go a bit I am seeing that I need to be less needy & allow them to be the kids & for me to be the strong one. It's another tough challenge that requires work on my part but I am overcoming it, just like all the others I have faced up to this point. Despite my less than stellar beginning I love life & embrace it fully now that I am free to do so. I have turned the tables. I set out to do this wilfully because I didn't want to waste any more time feeling the way I did & missing out on life. I didn't want my past to stop me from reaching my full potential or being a permanent ball & chain around my ankle or a big chip on my shoulder. I didn't want to waste my life being bitter & twisted. I made a conscious decision to move forward without turning to look back. The hand I was dealt taught me that life is short & time is precious. That's why I savour so much that others take for granted. Not a day goes by that I don't give thanks for the peace & unity in our home & the genuine affection we all share. I've long given up asking "why me?" about my past. Some things in life just are. I'm not one for complicating things & over-analysing. As soon as I was old enough to make my own choices I did everything in my power to alter my reality. I looked to God for help & he steered the course of my life with his perfect timing, realising all my worthy dreams & fulfilling all the requests beneficial to my soul. This is why I find it hard to tolerate people who feel hard-done-by & sorry for themselves & those who can't cope with life & keep falling back on others. I left home at 17, became independent & made it on my own, emotionally & financially. I had no other choice. That's when I really began living & the journey since then has made up for the one that came before it.

6 comments:

Lee said...

Oh my goodness, that was breathtaking. All the way down to the 2 boys and 2 girls, I've never had my story written so well :) Only one difference, I left home at 14. Good for you to embrace your strength and welcome support.

Nicole Drewniak said...

What a journey! Thank you for your honesty in sharing this with us--your strength is amazing.

P.S.
I love the symbolism you told us about re: your embellies.

Tracy said...

Thanks for sharing such an intimate part of your life, Helen ...

Love, Tracy G

Liza said...

What a journey it has been for you Helen. Thanks for sharing this.
And I must say I love the symbolism you used in your layout.

Melissa W. said...

What awesome symbolism and such heartfelt, raw journaling. Thank you for sharing this with us! :)

Helen Tilbury said...

Phew thanks girls!