Thursday, 25 June 2009

Tracy's challenge 59





Dear Daddy

I was 6 years old when you left me. I recall that I didn’t see you for a very long time – how long I don’t know because I don’t remember much of my childhood. But for almost 24 years after you left I felt very, very sad.

Mommy told me you loved me very much when I was a baby. I really, really wanted to believe her. But you left me …

I don’t remember doing anything wrong – I don’t remember chasing you away. I do remember trying so hard to please you – to be perfect.

You told me you loved me but then why did you leave me? I didn’t understand.

I looked at you with stars in my eyes for a very long time. I tried so hard to make you love me …

For almost 24 years I felt empty, lost and alone …

You walked me down the aisle and then you disappeared. You left me again …

I married a man so very different to you. He is responsible and he loves me so much – he shows me in so many ways. He looks at me with stars in his eyes. At first I couldn’t comprehend how he could love me so much when my own daddy left me? I was waiting for the time when he would leave me too. I was sure that I would do something to chase him away and for a long time I didn’t allow myself to be completely happy – it couldn’t be me he really wanted to be with.

I am 30-something now. I don’t need you so much anymore, daddy. You see, I have somebody who really, really loves me like I need to be loved and who takes special care of me. I tried to push him away - he stayed. He tells me he’s not going anywhere without me. I believe him! I deserve his love!

I’m okay now. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

I understand so much more about you now. I know you are a very different man. I know you have regrets. I have a gorgeous child of my own and I am so grateful he has a daddy who is raising him to be strong and yet gentle with lots of love and security.

I know that you love me. You love me the only way you know how – it may seem limited to me because I love with ALL of me – but it’s ok now.

I love you too, daddy and I forgive you …

Your daughter always, Tracy

7 comments:

Lynette said...

Wow...heartbreaking journaling! My admiration for you Tracy.

janis said...

thank you tracy for sharing this one with us. that's very brave and very admirable.

hugs to you,
janis

Nicole Drewniak said...

I am bawling reading this. What a strong and brave woman you are! Tfs!

Liza said...

I commend you Tracy for sharing a vulnerable part of your life, your feelings. I can only assume that it was a hard emotional road you went through. But you are brave and you are strong and you deserve all the love you are getting from your family.
Great job on this challenge!

Helen Tilbury said...

It definitely helps to get your thoughts down on paper & this will form a very important part of your life journals for your children so well done for verbalizing it all.

Mia Castrillo said...

Oh my gosh!! I am in tears while reading this. Thank you, Tracy, for sharing yourself! I am glad that you have moved on. Indeed, you deserve to be happy. God bless you always!

Tracy said...

Thank you so much, girls ...

Love, Tracy G