Saturday, 3 October 2009

Stefanie's challenge 66.

How can two “only children” actually be sisters?

Answer: when their parents get married.

I look at this photo of you, and I am filled with a longing that we were sisters in reality. Truth be told, we never got on well when we were together. I was older and should have been wiser, (my 12 years to your 6) however all I saw was that you had what I wanted, a relationship with my Father. I never knew that they compared you with me, never knew that I set such a high academic standard that you could never match up to, never knew you felt somehow inferior to me. From my side, I felt that it didn’t matter how well I performed, I could never be enough because somehow deep inside of me I was flawed. I thought there was something wrong with who I was instead of what I did or didn’t do. But I also felt that I could never reach that unattainable goal, every time I got remotely close the goal posts would be moved just out of reach again.

Now we are continents apart, separated by a language barrier that is even wider than the physical distance between us. But still I wish that I was a better sister to you, that I was there for you when you went through your breakup, followed by your miscarriage. I wish that we could have conversations about life, both the struggles and joys, about eternal life and the gift of salvation; I wish that my children could play with their cousin.

I am sorry for the years I wasted, it sounds so trite to say that I was jealous of you because I never wanted to swop my life in South Africa with my Mom for one in Germany with my father and your mother. I have discovered that my heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and accepts me just as I am. That He saw the things that were done to me and that it was never part of His plan for my life. So please forgive me for the many ways I was a part of the hurts and disappointments in your life. Forgive me for saying I am an only child when actually we are sisters by design if not by blood.

I love you,

8 comments:

Tracy said...

Oh Steph ... you made me cry ... that was so heartfelt and so honest and so beautiful ...

I hope your sister gets to see this ...

Love, Tracy G

Liza said...

A very heartfelt and open journal Stef. I hope your sister gets to read your journal. Hugs!

Mia Castrillo said...

Yes, you made me cry too! But it's not too late. There is always hope that things will get better. God bless you and your sister!

Starr said...

Such touching journaling, I could feel the emotion in it as I read. Beautiful LO too :)

Cindy said...

Stef, I am so glad that my challenge helped you journal such a beautifully heartfelt layout. I only hope that you are able to relay that same message to your sister. She needs to hear it and I think you need to tell her.

cabbie lopez said...

so emotional and truly from the heart. really makes us wonder about the special bondage of sibling relationships.

CreativeMe68 said...

OMG I am crying now...this is so emotional! Ohh you have inspired me to do a LO about my sister whom we lost when she was almost 3! I have been wanting to scrap these photos for years now... Please phone your sister and tell her how you are feeling and that you want to put it all past you and begin again. I am sure being sisters you could make this happen Luv Shaz xoxo

janis said...

this one is really from the heart. hearing your story made me appreciate the bonds i have with my siblings. i hope and pray that you can renew your relationship with yours. thanks so much for the inspiration stef.