Tracy G's "what I miss" LO.

I don’t remember being present in my childhood …

Lately I have been feeling pretty nostalgic about “time”. Perhaps it’s because my 37th Birthday looms close (and I still feel so much younger) … or perhaps it’s because I have been looking through photographs of when I was a child and I do not remember even being there for the photo … or maybe even because my little boy turned 12 this month and I see a teenager emerging, moods, sulks, cheeky comments and all, and it seems as though he was born just yesterday - such a tiny little dependent soul placed in my care …

Where has the time gone?

I read a lot and think about living in the moment and being present in my life all the time. I yearn for the days when I was a child living in the moment. You see, I don’t have many memories of being present in my childhood – I remember little bits (and some of these memories are fuelled by what others have told me) but I don’t seem to remember the important stuff, like how I felt about certain situations or where I was on such-and-such day …

What was I like as a little girl?

Was I timid? I know I was a pretty little girl because I have seen a few photos BUT WHO WAS I? My mom says I was incredibly clingy as a little girl – I would even follow her into the bathroom – I don’t remember this … Is it possibly because this was the time of my mom and dad’s divorce? Was I that traumatised by the fighting and the abandonment? I don’t remember being present in my life at that time …

What was I like as a young girl?

My memories of before I became a teenager are so vague. I vaguely remember going to Boarding School – not the first day or even the first month though … How did I feel? I can IMAGINE that I felt abandoned and lonely and scared BUT I can’t remember how I actually felt – I don’t remember being present in my life at that time …

I was a sad teenager …

I have vague memories of becoming a teen … of wanting to be accepted amongst my peers … of not wanting to be different … I remember that I was unhappy a lot of the time and adjusting to all sorts of outside influences and that my home life was difficult. My memories of high school are vague - I don’t feel as though I was present in my life at that time …

Where have I been?
I miss my childhood . . . …
(October 2008)